Untitled and Undecided

My Weekend A Blow by Blow
preface: I’m sitting here and many things are running through my mind, should I be cool calm and collected, can I even be like that? Is it ok to be a girl and be upset, and if I am upset why is it that I actually care, only a few posts ago he was far from second best?

Friday Night: Redhead comes over for well, forget the pretense it appears to be a date, he takes 2 busses and gets lost all to come see me. Lots of alcohol and even more conversation and music. Its all good. Theres a bump in the road, he gets high and very paranoid, I’ll come close to him he backs away (one of two things I figure is happening 1) hes not interested and my not so subtle overtures are freaking him out 2) he is into me and is to shy and insecure he cant believe I’m ACTUALLY into him). Im hoping for the second one. He gets better after he comes down, and I kiss him now he knows I like him and hes not crazy, he stays over and the night is awesome. I’m really happy, cuz it just what I wanted to happen and how often do things work out.

Saturday Night: I go to this dinner party thing at my friends place. Get really drunk, wanna see if redhead is home from work on msn, and maybe if hell come over Sunday night. I talk to him, he says ‘need to tell you something your gonna think im an asshole’ he also says ‘not over msn’ so hell call me later. I get more drunk, he never calls, im sad so I decide this boy there is cute and we have a sleepover in a empty room. Boy was very cuddly, I have his number perhaps I’ll call him he doesn’t have mine its up to me I guess- I hate that.

Sunday: Readhead says he lost my number, and tried a bunch of wrong numbers, which I guess is like him. He tells me im not the only girl in his life. He says theres a girl hes been friends with for years and that hes seeing her as well kinda (the impression I got was they made out a few times). That he felt guilty for not telling me, and that hes gonna tell her about me too. This hurt. Why? cuz for the first time in my life things seemed kinda simple and right and he went and ruined the idea. I feel like I can’t compete with an old friend, how can I do that? I’ve only known him a month, they have history and a really close friendship. I guess the truth hurts, but its better that I know.So what do I do… still date him causally, wait till he decides, until he decides he doesn’t want me and wants to be with her?In the mean time, the guy whos room I slept in was out of town but a roommate of his must have told him I had sex in his bed, which I didn’t even, and he’s all: Mel I can’t believe you did that I didn’t think you were that type of person. So then I had to apologize to him.

I hate how my weekend went from awesome to not. I hardly got any work done at all. All of this has made me feel really ugly, when I found the stuff out about Redhead all I could think was ‘thank god I haven’t eaten today’ cuz then things world be worse. Why can’t he just be interested in me. Now I feel like maybe I should call the guy from the party so I can be seeing someone else too, but do I like him? Probably not. I’m just sad I guess, sad.