Too Many Essays

I have 8 essays to write.
I spent all day in the library and didn't even finish one, now its raining and I dont want to go back to the library, so im attempting to work at home. Even when my place is technically silent there are about a trillion sounds my house makes.
I spent 2 hours seaching flights because I just decided i wanted to tag along with my friend in europe for christmas break. If thats gonna happen I'd have to work so hard at organizing and be ok with basically speding most of my saved money.
But this is life, it only happens once...

I took an hour writting a letter today to a professor in hopes she would advise me on my thesis next year. I included my society involvement and mentioned where I work, i fear it was 'tooting my own horn' a bit too much. I just want this so badly.
Actually thats not true, I have convinced myself I want it, I haven't a flying fuck of an idea what I actually want. For now though I'll settle and probably convince myself I'm happy if I get this.

I realized I have almost no friends that are boys at home. I used to only have guy friends, but somewhere along the line that changed. It makes me very sad on occasion. I have guy friends here, kinda, It's just sorta different, it feels like they never care about me as much as I care about them. Its not a romatic thing, but they are always spending time with their girldfriends or seem to have better things to do then hang out. The only other type of guy friends I have here are the gay guy freinds. Which are great, but their point of view is, well, different from regular guys.

To pull this whole post together- I think the reason I'm so keen on going away and not home is because I dont want to see the boy who I have had feelings for, for the last eight years, I also do not want to go home and not see him. I cut him out of my life because he was a horrible friend all while saying he was sorry, I said nothing while he slept with my best friend, complained to me and told me how much he wanted to fuck me. There has been no intentional contact since may and none at all since august, he hasnt even tried. It hurts that hes not in my life and it hurts even more that i know he doesnt care that im not in his.

oh crap. I swear im not emo.