Done & Done

School officially finished for me on Wednesday, and I have been having such a great time ever since. Redhead and I hung out, we are good, I think I over reacted a bit. I don’t think an actual relationship would be good with him now, but we’re having fun and I’ll re-evaluate after Christmas. A friend of mine came into town and we had an awesome night out. Spent too much money at a martini bar. Some guy there was yelling about how he was the king of sudan, and I met this girl in the washroom and she said he was flirting with her and she blew him off and then he told her that she should be a prostitute because men will like her better. Then he got in this screaming match with some of these white guys and he ended up getting kicked out of the bar. Then we went to a club which was uninteresting, so many people everywhere. That night ended at about 5:30 am.And since then I’ve just been partying with friends. Not too much to say.I’m worried about going home.Seeing my parents, my friends just everything.
I’ve also been trying to not think about how I’ll be with food when im home, its always hard. But I’m trying to be better.

Untitled and Undecided

My Weekend A Blow by Blow
preface: I’m sitting here and many things are running through my mind, should I be cool calm and collected, can I even be like that? Is it ok to be a girl and be upset, and if I am upset why is it that I actually care, only a few posts ago he was far from second best?

Friday Night: Redhead comes over for well, forget the pretense it appears to be a date, he takes 2 busses and gets lost all to come see me. Lots of alcohol and even more conversation and music. Its all good. Theres a bump in the road, he gets high and very paranoid, I’ll come close to him he backs away (one of two things I figure is happening 1) hes not interested and my not so subtle overtures are freaking him out 2) he is into me and is to shy and insecure he cant believe I’m ACTUALLY into him). Im hoping for the second one. He gets better after he comes down, and I kiss him now he knows I like him and hes not crazy, he stays over and the night is awesome. I’m really happy, cuz it just what I wanted to happen and how often do things work out.

Saturday Night: I go to this dinner party thing at my friends place. Get really drunk, wanna see if redhead is home from work on msn, and maybe if hell come over Sunday night. I talk to him, he says ‘need to tell you something your gonna think im an asshole’ he also says ‘not over msn’ so hell call me later. I get more drunk, he never calls, im sad so I decide this boy there is cute and we have a sleepover in a empty room. Boy was very cuddly, I have his number perhaps I’ll call him he doesn’t have mine its up to me I guess- I hate that.

Sunday: Readhead says he lost my number, and tried a bunch of wrong numbers, which I guess is like him. He tells me im not the only girl in his life. He says theres a girl hes been friends with for years and that hes seeing her as well kinda (the impression I got was they made out a few times). That he felt guilty for not telling me, and that hes gonna tell her about me too. This hurt. Why? cuz for the first time in my life things seemed kinda simple and right and he went and ruined the idea. I feel like I can’t compete with an old friend, how can I do that? I’ve only known him a month, they have history and a really close friendship. I guess the truth hurts, but its better that I know.So what do I do… still date him causally, wait till he decides, until he decides he doesn’t want me and wants to be with her?In the mean time, the guy whos room I slept in was out of town but a roommate of his must have told him I had sex in his bed, which I didn’t even, and he’s all: Mel I can’t believe you did that I didn’t think you were that type of person. So then I had to apologize to him.

I hate how my weekend went from awesome to not. I hardly got any work done at all. All of this has made me feel really ugly, when I found the stuff out about Redhead all I could think was ‘thank god I haven’t eaten today’ cuz then things world be worse. Why can’t he just be interested in me. Now I feel like maybe I should call the guy from the party so I can be seeing someone else too, but do I like him? Probably not. I’m just sad I guess, sad.

Bliss For The Moment

Just finished a 3 hour conversation with Redhead.
He was so sweet, he asked if i'd listen to him play some guitar on the phone, and in my head i thought 'if he plays a Brand New song it would be adorable' and then he played one (the quiet things that no one ever knows) and hes goes, 'so did you recognize that?' probably with a smirk on his face.
Were going out tomorrow- correction hes coming over for movie, drinks, pot. Is that bad, is having a guy to my place a good idea? There are extenuating monetary situations that need to be considered though.
Speaking of money I spent a shit load on an awesome dinner with friends tongiht. But I got too full, couldn't stand it and puked in the washroom, no one was the wiser-im too good for my own good, i know...
School is wrapping up- wrote a shitty shitty essay on things I dont understand at all so considering that fact and it being over 8 pages I belive its a moderate accomplishment.
ok.
I'm excited for tomorrow & I'll be crushed if he just wants to be friends, maybe i'll pounce him...nah im not bold enough for that.

Suggestions? Anyone?

I Think I'm a Little Hungry

So I wrote this paper and I thought it was amazing, like I spent the most time on it of any paper I wrote all year, had tones of secondary sources, got it edited by a bunch of people and they all thought it was good. Then I finally go tit back to day and I got the lowest mark as of that date that I had ever gotten on a paper in my major before. I was working when I got it and I was crushed, I almost started to cry. My prof just tore it up every little thing.

Then later on I went to pick up another essay which I didn’t work nearly as hard on and I wrote it quickly just cuz I wanted it done. And that was even worse, the worst mark I got on anything ever. Now its gonna be so difficult to get even an A- in either of those classes.

Today sucked…I cried. I suck.

Plus, from last night to this evening the heat in my apartment was out AHHH, it was freezing!

Relationship update:
Not that it’s an actual relationship or anything, but me and the redhead were on the phone last night until 3:30am, I really think I’m beginning to like him. What to do?

After the Chinese food incident I’ve barely been eating. Just a few things today.

I’m just really confused. Oh well there’s always next year.

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

I watched cartoons tonight.

I purchased 20$ of Chinese food tonight, on the way to pick it up im almost 100% sure I saw Mr. Awkward making out with some girl on the street, I ate all of it, then threw it all up.

I’m worried about finals, 3 essays in 5 days and 2 exams, can I pull it off? I actually have more than 5 days, but IF I could get everything done by Friday It would be awesome. But do I really wanna work like a crazy person? Uhh I totally forgot about my job, I need to squeeze that in somewhere too… CRAP

My stomach hurt for a lot of today...

I talked to redhead yesterday for a bit on the phone, we have really great conversations. I mean, I haven’t talked to anyone on the phone for hours on end since high school.
There’s just no talk of meeting, or hardly ever… It’s odd.

I’m dreading going home. For no big reason in particular… just bunch of little ones.

I get back some work tomorrow im really excited to know the mark on. If it’s bad once again I’ll be disappointed at my underachieving or just my mediocre disposition. It’s just that I worked very hard.

Apologies

I'm sorry for being mean... I didnt mean it, i was just sad and angry.

Im All Sexy and Vulnerable

Its like hmmmm every action I do I’m scared of. Always frightened I’ll say or do the wrong thin and as much as I tell myself I don’t care I do, I do care, I care so much. I didn’t throw up today YAY. Although I wanted to more then ever, it’s the first of the month if you had any sort of eating disorder you would know what that meant.

ANYWHOO- I’m drinking alone because no one loves me.

Mr. Awkward, I hate him now- I think maybe I just hate boys, they make me feel like I don’t deserve anything, ever.

IT makes me sad that I feel like the only person that really cares about me from home or even understand me is my insane bisexual friend who also wants in my pants. And im just sacred I may do it to feel better about myself. How fucked is that? Very I know, please don’t remind me.

I wish redhead wanted me- we were just chatting on msn, but he was helping his friend with guitar and I sent him like 8messages and then he went on ‘away’ and didn’t respond then went ‘offline’. This is what I do, I make people not like me. Its like my MO or something.

God I today I was thinking about how I was so happy I wasn’t in high school. Why you ask? Because all i could visualize for a straight hour was stabbing this kid with scissors, in his stomach who tormented me in 9th grade art class, I was looking at blood and everything in my head while sitting quietly in the library. (((See Rich I told you having a blog would show you I was crazy)))

I’m going to an aids benefit tonight, its at a bar owned by bubbles from trailer park boys.

I read something interesting. Maybe I’ll tell you about it another time.

I’m so jealous of my roommate-I hate myself for it because I love her so much- but she doesn’t know me.

BRAND NEW is the best band in the world, they are comforting. Except they make me think of the asshole at home whom in love with.

Scratch that, my roommate (the one whom I totally jealous of)- she changed our plans, and now I have no hope of meeting anyone, I’m just gonna have to listen to boys arguing about history or politics or some bullshit and it will make me want to cut myself.

Note to self: no more drunken blog entries- but ,hey are much more fun

MAybe it would be better if i told people things that I felt. Maybe it would be worse though.

The Sum of All Things

I've had alot of work.
But it's beginning to wrap up a little bit which is great.
I had a very interesting night this week, i went to a department lecture then to the pub with everyone who was there profs., PhDs, and MAs It ws really neat.
I really dont feel like theres that much to report.
I think thats because Its early in the moring and i havent really thinking about things that are going on in my life. So when that happens i feel like i don't have to much to comment on.

Reccomendations:
Everone should check out the new Brand New album, its different from the other two but very good. And, The films HArd Candy; its pretty twisted a good thriller, only involves two poeple whilce the camera angles and high key lighting are SWEET. LAstly, the film Brick; its really good, i usually like film noirs for how they looks, because for some reason in that style of filmi unable to recognize all the subtle hints and even distinguish the charaters since they are all in trench coats smoking with hats. However, this one isnt like that at all, a few parts I found confusting but the aesthetics and music and how its set in high school is just GREAT, so you should definatly check it out.

My Professor is Getting Coffee and i'm Watching

I saw a great play this weekend and I went to a party by myself. At first I wasn’t gonna go but then I decided I’d go and just leave if it sucked. And I mean its probably good that I’m independent and confident enough to do stuff like that alone, but I always wonder where the line is between faking confidence and actually having it is. If I do a lot of things that take confidence but I’m just pretending and I’m not comfortable in the least doing them am I still confident. I like to think that actions speak louder than words and I really do believe that in most cases, but that doesn’t mean that acting a certain way transforms the underlying feelings behind the action.

Redhead called me, we had a nice little talk on the phone for the first time but we didn’t end up hanging out.I feel invisible. I always wonder who would talk to me if I wasn’t the aggressor in most friend/relationship scenarios. I’ve always wanted to try for a month and not talk to anyone and see what happened. I just worry that no one would talk to me, and Id become so depressed, an I guess thats not good. It’s just that I love performing these self experiments, like vegetarianism an veganism and all this other bullshit.

I have too much work and now im waiting for another friend who just instn gonna show up, SHE probably forgot, out plans were tentative not definite… does that make me feel better, do I feel bad?

It’s barely noon now- what a day.

Pre-New Years Thoughts

The things that I want:

more guy friends
confidence without alcohol
To throw up less than 10 times between now and Dec. 18
For my medication to not make me infertile
For Mr. Awkward to hang out
For redhead to come out tomorrow night
To get A’s
My room to be clean
To feel as cool as my roommate
For my biopsy that made my neck kill to not be cancer
To hate me less
To have someone say, ‘I really like hanging out we have to do this again’
To not get happy by having other people around me as sad as I am
For the drunk guys outside my window to shut up
For my toilet to stop being stupid and coughing up evidence
To get through my essay
For my mom to stop worrying and not cry
For ‘him’ to want to see me when I’m home
To be ok with being by myself on new years
To be a bitch
To have a movie day
To find perfect Christmas presents for everyone

Baking a Cake

I’m baking a cake- Its because I have no groceries, and it’s the one thing I have ingredients for, mix, egg and water- I think im gonna run to the corner store and get some icing..

I have so much work, but I guess everyone in school does right around now.

I had a pretty lovely day, I saw so many of my friends. I’m planning on going to this play sometime over the weekend, it’s a all girls comedy. But its proved impossible to buy tickets, so I think I’m just gonna have to get them at the door.

Europe is off, which totally sucks. TOTALLY. But everyone was against it. And I really want to go for several months or even a year, I guess I’ll have to do that a little later in my life.

Today a friend said that of all her friends I do the most drugs. That kind of got me thinking, because I really don’t consider myself a ‘druggie’. I didn’t smoke pot for about 6 months, and on occasion I do other drugs but it’s a party thing, not a ‘I must get high thing’. But it still got me thinking.

Today I also unexpectedly ran into Mr. Awkward, he was DUM DUM DUM, quite awkward, and on his way somewhere- I was waiting for a friend, he chatted for a few minutes but said he didn’t want wait with me till my friend was done, but he also didn’t leave me until another guy I knew came by, which was nice. I also jokingly asked if he had the book he said he would give me yesterday, but I didn’t think he’d have it because he wasn’t expecting to see me. But, he did, so now I have one of his favorite books to read. All of my friends think he’s hot which makes me happy, but also feel shallow since I guess I feel that’s important.The Question what do I do how do I make him fall for me? I guess it’s just I hate fall everyone is couples and holding hands and I just feel like a loser.

parents cause me stress

Europe is up in the air, that’s all I wanna say about that.Oh and that my mom is insane.I did a bit of decorating my apartment yesterday, my room is absolutely perfect I love it and the living room is coming along nicely.

I finished (for the most part) 2 essyas this weekend which is completely awesome, tallied about 13 hours in the library.

My friend ditched me but then showed up and apologized profusely, which really pissed me off at the time, but now its ok…he was having morning sex.

I worry my friends don’t call me enough. I wish people here and people at home would call, mostly people here though because then I would be able to hang out and drink and stuff.

Speaking of drinking I think I’m gonna go on a pubcrawl this Friday… Get loaded ya know…Food stuff is weird, I have no groceries it sucks, I have all these empty boxe s in the freezer I wonder why I keep them around- im thinking of becoming a vegetarian again for a while- but that may be a bad idea.
I smoked more pot this weekend then I have since I’ve been back here.

Borat among other things

I saw the movie, it was funny. Not the best movie or close to that but… if your gonna make fun of Women, homosexuals and jews your bound to get lots of laughs and that’s that.

I didn’t do as I had planned today, instead I met with friends and procrastinated while smoking pot. I feel guilty because of this, and I’m not good with guilt. It gnaws at me me. It stays on my mind and slowly makes me dislike myself, my inability to sick to a schedule and just makes me feel like an incapable lazy person. I don’t know why this is, why I value organization so much but I do. It probably has something of with my incredibly organization focused father… However, I did tidy my room, that always makes me feel like I accomplished something, and its good to do when your high because it makes a boring task a little better.

I’ve decided to reward myself with a mushroom trip when I’m done all of my essays for this semester. I hope that motivates me.

I threw up at a party last night. It always so unnerving doing that in other peoples houses (airplanes, public restroom, the side of the road). But I was going out after and sorta panicked because I was feeling full even though I didn’t eat that much. But right after I walked out of the washroom my friend was singing opera outside the door and he stepped into the washroom with me and sang me AMAZING opera for like 5 minutes, just both of us standing in this tiny washroom- it was the most random thing ever. But then I left because He had to pee.

I hate MSN, Mr Awkward didn’t reply to me, neither did cute red head.

Update: Mr. Awkward did reply to me later- he almost came over at midnight when i had an impromptu gathering of friends, but he lives like 15 minutes away and may have a frectured or broken a rib- which is his reason for not feeling up to coming. He said to inform him next time im doing something like this. But this is the second time he didnt hang out (the first being him wanting to go to the gym and i guess i asked right after class- he has a life and probably cant just do things on the spot). That time he did say to add him to msn and we would hang out at some point. I guess im very last minute with things, but I cant help but feeling If the situation was reversed I probably would have skipped the gym and hung out with him, or walked 15 minutes to hang out with him (at midnight, in pain??? hmmm). Well I guess I dont know.

& Cute redhead is an idiot, which is unfortunate (for him)

Enough over analyzing now- I'll shut up.

Blink 182 a happy surprise

So after I walked in the rain to get a sub the interac machine is broken so i need to pay $1.50 to take out money even though I have 3 twentys on my desk at home.

I spent the day at school, class, work, class, libray, dinner, meet friends to study.

But when I got home I was about to turn on the tv and I tossed my bad down and my piod (through its mini speaker) started to play Blink-182, which made me happy and reminise so now im listening to the album chershire cat, it has my favourite blink song Ever M+Ms.

Dumb people piss me off.
I sent this email:
Hey there, As much as I'd love to take part, I've decided that my workload from class, my job, and this venture would be too much. So i wish you all the best with your project and unforunatly will not be ablt ot be involved. I'm going to be in the libary tomorrow at 12:00 if you'd like to meet me I can return your book.

his reply:
Sorry to waste your time.I would appreciate you returning the booklet. I am running out.When are you able to meet?

like WTF i was pretty clear about where i wanted to meet, that makes me really happy i didnt get involved with his plan, cuz it shows a real lack of organization and responsibility, if he couldnt even read a blantently obvious sentence.

On a better note: That letter I sent yesterday, I got a reply and things are looking good. And I guess I'm happy about it, maybe it's something I really want.
This guy I like also waited for me after class and walked me to work for the second time = D, but does that really mean anything???

Too Many Essays

I have 8 essays to write.
I spent all day in the library and didn't even finish one, now its raining and I dont want to go back to the library, so im attempting to work at home. Even when my place is technically silent there are about a trillion sounds my house makes.
I spent 2 hours seaching flights because I just decided i wanted to tag along with my friend in europe for christmas break. If thats gonna happen I'd have to work so hard at organizing and be ok with basically speding most of my saved money.
But this is life, it only happens once...

I took an hour writting a letter today to a professor in hopes she would advise me on my thesis next year. I included my society involvement and mentioned where I work, i fear it was 'tooting my own horn' a bit too much. I just want this so badly.
Actually thats not true, I have convinced myself I want it, I haven't a flying fuck of an idea what I actually want. For now though I'll settle and probably convince myself I'm happy if I get this.

I realized I have almost no friends that are boys at home. I used to only have guy friends, but somewhere along the line that changed. It makes me very sad on occasion. I have guy friends here, kinda, It's just sorta different, it feels like they never care about me as much as I care about them. Its not a romatic thing, but they are always spending time with their girldfriends or seem to have better things to do then hang out. The only other type of guy friends I have here are the gay guy freinds. Which are great, but their point of view is, well, different from regular guys.

To pull this whole post together- I think the reason I'm so keen on going away and not home is because I dont want to see the boy who I have had feelings for, for the last eight years, I also do not want to go home and not see him. I cut him out of my life because he was a horrible friend all while saying he was sorry, I said nothing while he slept with my best friend, complained to me and told me how much he wanted to fuck me. There has been no intentional contact since may and none at all since august, he hasnt even tried. It hurts that hes not in my life and it hurts even more that i know he doesnt care that im not in his.

oh crap. I swear im not emo.

Right After the Beginning

I just wonder about how honest I should be.

I sat next to Mr. Awkward today, we had a good conversation… I think, he walked me to work, that’s good, I’ll believe it’s good. I think I may ask him to come out with me on Saturday. He is too attractive to be interested in me, I shouldn’t feel like that i know, but I can’t help it. Most people are self depreciating and not as confident as they are supposed to be, although this may be something I tell myself as justification.

I haven’t talked to Redhead today, but last night before I went to sleep I gave him my number so I wonder what will happen there. Is it horrible, I like him, but I also hate the fact he works and isn’t in school, that must make me a tool. I ate lunch, which I threw up in one of the only single washrooms I know of on campus while people banged on the door for me to get out(the lock said it was unoccupied). That was fucking annoying. I ate dinner and then repeated at home. I was pretty good for a while, but recently I’ve been so stressed I cant really help it. But I should attempt to get back on the wagon again at some point.

Interesting thing, last night a friend of mine told me she would sleep with me if I wanted (shes all into her new found bisecuality. I mean, I always knew she was attracted to me, but actually putting girl/girl sex on the table, sorta strange. At least I wont have to worry about any of that stuff until I get home for Christmas.

And there you have it my first official blog entry.

A Blog is Born

I'm not sure what to expect yet... this was a dare