The Sum of All Things

I've had alot of work.
But it's beginning to wrap up a little bit which is great.
I had a very interesting night this week, i went to a department lecture then to the pub with everyone who was there profs., PhDs, and MAs It ws really neat.
I really dont feel like theres that much to report.
I think thats because Its early in the moring and i havent really thinking about things that are going on in my life. So when that happens i feel like i don't have to much to comment on.

Reccomendations:
Everone should check out the new Brand New album, its different from the other two but very good. And, The films HArd Candy; its pretty twisted a good thriller, only involves two poeple whilce the camera angles and high key lighting are SWEET. LAstly, the film Brick; its really good, i usually like film noirs for how they looks, because for some reason in that style of filmi unable to recognize all the subtle hints and even distinguish the charaters since they are all in trench coats smoking with hats. However, this one isnt like that at all, a few parts I found confusting but the aesthetics and music and how its set in high school is just GREAT, so you should definatly check it out.

My Professor is Getting Coffee and i'm Watching

I saw a great play this weekend and I went to a party by myself. At first I wasn’t gonna go but then I decided I’d go and just leave if it sucked. And I mean its probably good that I’m independent and confident enough to do stuff like that alone, but I always wonder where the line is between faking confidence and actually having it is. If I do a lot of things that take confidence but I’m just pretending and I’m not comfortable in the least doing them am I still confident. I like to think that actions speak louder than words and I really do believe that in most cases, but that doesn’t mean that acting a certain way transforms the underlying feelings behind the action.

Redhead called me, we had a nice little talk on the phone for the first time but we didn’t end up hanging out.I feel invisible. I always wonder who would talk to me if I wasn’t the aggressor in most friend/relationship scenarios. I’ve always wanted to try for a month and not talk to anyone and see what happened. I just worry that no one would talk to me, and Id become so depressed, an I guess thats not good. It’s just that I love performing these self experiments, like vegetarianism an veganism and all this other bullshit.

I have too much work and now im waiting for another friend who just instn gonna show up, SHE probably forgot, out plans were tentative not definite… does that make me feel better, do I feel bad?

It’s barely noon now- what a day.

Pre-New Years Thoughts

The things that I want:

more guy friends
confidence without alcohol
To throw up less than 10 times between now and Dec. 18
For my medication to not make me infertile
For Mr. Awkward to hang out
For redhead to come out tomorrow night
To get A’s
My room to be clean
To feel as cool as my roommate
For my biopsy that made my neck kill to not be cancer
To hate me less
To have someone say, ‘I really like hanging out we have to do this again’
To not get happy by having other people around me as sad as I am
For the drunk guys outside my window to shut up
For my toilet to stop being stupid and coughing up evidence
To get through my essay
For my mom to stop worrying and not cry
For ‘him’ to want to see me when I’m home
To be ok with being by myself on new years
To be a bitch
To have a movie day
To find perfect Christmas presents for everyone

Baking a Cake

I’m baking a cake- Its because I have no groceries, and it’s the one thing I have ingredients for, mix, egg and water- I think im gonna run to the corner store and get some icing..

I have so much work, but I guess everyone in school does right around now.

I had a pretty lovely day, I saw so many of my friends. I’m planning on going to this play sometime over the weekend, it’s a all girls comedy. But its proved impossible to buy tickets, so I think I’m just gonna have to get them at the door.

Europe is off, which totally sucks. TOTALLY. But everyone was against it. And I really want to go for several months or even a year, I guess I’ll have to do that a little later in my life.

Today a friend said that of all her friends I do the most drugs. That kind of got me thinking, because I really don’t consider myself a ‘druggie’. I didn’t smoke pot for about 6 months, and on occasion I do other drugs but it’s a party thing, not a ‘I must get high thing’. But it still got me thinking.

Today I also unexpectedly ran into Mr. Awkward, he was DUM DUM DUM, quite awkward, and on his way somewhere- I was waiting for a friend, he chatted for a few minutes but said he didn’t want wait with me till my friend was done, but he also didn’t leave me until another guy I knew came by, which was nice. I also jokingly asked if he had the book he said he would give me yesterday, but I didn’t think he’d have it because he wasn’t expecting to see me. But, he did, so now I have one of his favorite books to read. All of my friends think he’s hot which makes me happy, but also feel shallow since I guess I feel that’s important.The Question what do I do how do I make him fall for me? I guess it’s just I hate fall everyone is couples and holding hands and I just feel like a loser.

parents cause me stress

Europe is up in the air, that’s all I wanna say about that.Oh and that my mom is insane.I did a bit of decorating my apartment yesterday, my room is absolutely perfect I love it and the living room is coming along nicely.

I finished (for the most part) 2 essyas this weekend which is completely awesome, tallied about 13 hours in the library.

My friend ditched me but then showed up and apologized profusely, which really pissed me off at the time, but now its ok…he was having morning sex.

I worry my friends don’t call me enough. I wish people here and people at home would call, mostly people here though because then I would be able to hang out and drink and stuff.

Speaking of drinking I think I’m gonna go on a pubcrawl this Friday… Get loaded ya know…Food stuff is weird, I have no groceries it sucks, I have all these empty boxe s in the freezer I wonder why I keep them around- im thinking of becoming a vegetarian again for a while- but that may be a bad idea.
I smoked more pot this weekend then I have since I’ve been back here.

Borat among other things

I saw the movie, it was funny. Not the best movie or close to that but… if your gonna make fun of Women, homosexuals and jews your bound to get lots of laughs and that’s that.

I didn’t do as I had planned today, instead I met with friends and procrastinated while smoking pot. I feel guilty because of this, and I’m not good with guilt. It gnaws at me me. It stays on my mind and slowly makes me dislike myself, my inability to sick to a schedule and just makes me feel like an incapable lazy person. I don’t know why this is, why I value organization so much but I do. It probably has something of with my incredibly organization focused father… However, I did tidy my room, that always makes me feel like I accomplished something, and its good to do when your high because it makes a boring task a little better.

I’ve decided to reward myself with a mushroom trip when I’m done all of my essays for this semester. I hope that motivates me.

I threw up at a party last night. It always so unnerving doing that in other peoples houses (airplanes, public restroom, the side of the road). But I was going out after and sorta panicked because I was feeling full even though I didn’t eat that much. But right after I walked out of the washroom my friend was singing opera outside the door and he stepped into the washroom with me and sang me AMAZING opera for like 5 minutes, just both of us standing in this tiny washroom- it was the most random thing ever. But then I left because He had to pee.

I hate MSN, Mr Awkward didn’t reply to me, neither did cute red head.

Update: Mr. Awkward did reply to me later- he almost came over at midnight when i had an impromptu gathering of friends, but he lives like 15 minutes away and may have a frectured or broken a rib- which is his reason for not feeling up to coming. He said to inform him next time im doing something like this. But this is the second time he didnt hang out (the first being him wanting to go to the gym and i guess i asked right after class- he has a life and probably cant just do things on the spot). That time he did say to add him to msn and we would hang out at some point. I guess im very last minute with things, but I cant help but feeling If the situation was reversed I probably would have skipped the gym and hung out with him, or walked 15 minutes to hang out with him (at midnight, in pain??? hmmm). Well I guess I dont know.

& Cute redhead is an idiot, which is unfortunate (for him)

Enough over analyzing now- I'll shut up.

Blink 182 a happy surprise

So after I walked in the rain to get a sub the interac machine is broken so i need to pay $1.50 to take out money even though I have 3 twentys on my desk at home.

I spent the day at school, class, work, class, libray, dinner, meet friends to study.

But when I got home I was about to turn on the tv and I tossed my bad down and my piod (through its mini speaker) started to play Blink-182, which made me happy and reminise so now im listening to the album chershire cat, it has my favourite blink song Ever M+Ms.

Dumb people piss me off.
I sent this email:
Hey there, As much as I'd love to take part, I've decided that my workload from class, my job, and this venture would be too much. So i wish you all the best with your project and unforunatly will not be ablt ot be involved. I'm going to be in the libary tomorrow at 12:00 if you'd like to meet me I can return your book.

his reply:
Sorry to waste your time.I would appreciate you returning the booklet. I am running out.When are you able to meet?

like WTF i was pretty clear about where i wanted to meet, that makes me really happy i didnt get involved with his plan, cuz it shows a real lack of organization and responsibility, if he couldnt even read a blantently obvious sentence.

On a better note: That letter I sent yesterday, I got a reply and things are looking good. And I guess I'm happy about it, maybe it's something I really want.
This guy I like also waited for me after class and walked me to work for the second time = D, but does that really mean anything???

Too Many Essays

I have 8 essays to write.
I spent all day in the library and didn't even finish one, now its raining and I dont want to go back to the library, so im attempting to work at home. Even when my place is technically silent there are about a trillion sounds my house makes.
I spent 2 hours seaching flights because I just decided i wanted to tag along with my friend in europe for christmas break. If thats gonna happen I'd have to work so hard at organizing and be ok with basically speding most of my saved money.
But this is life, it only happens once...

I took an hour writting a letter today to a professor in hopes she would advise me on my thesis next year. I included my society involvement and mentioned where I work, i fear it was 'tooting my own horn' a bit too much. I just want this so badly.
Actually thats not true, I have convinced myself I want it, I haven't a flying fuck of an idea what I actually want. For now though I'll settle and probably convince myself I'm happy if I get this.

I realized I have almost no friends that are boys at home. I used to only have guy friends, but somewhere along the line that changed. It makes me very sad on occasion. I have guy friends here, kinda, It's just sorta different, it feels like they never care about me as much as I care about them. Its not a romatic thing, but they are always spending time with their girldfriends or seem to have better things to do then hang out. The only other type of guy friends I have here are the gay guy freinds. Which are great, but their point of view is, well, different from regular guys.

To pull this whole post together- I think the reason I'm so keen on going away and not home is because I dont want to see the boy who I have had feelings for, for the last eight years, I also do not want to go home and not see him. I cut him out of my life because he was a horrible friend all while saying he was sorry, I said nothing while he slept with my best friend, complained to me and told me how much he wanted to fuck me. There has been no intentional contact since may and none at all since august, he hasnt even tried. It hurts that hes not in my life and it hurts even more that i know he doesnt care that im not in his.

oh crap. I swear im not emo.

Right After the Beginning

I just wonder about how honest I should be.

I sat next to Mr. Awkward today, we had a good conversation… I think, he walked me to work, that’s good, I’ll believe it’s good. I think I may ask him to come out with me on Saturday. He is too attractive to be interested in me, I shouldn’t feel like that i know, but I can’t help it. Most people are self depreciating and not as confident as they are supposed to be, although this may be something I tell myself as justification.

I haven’t talked to Redhead today, but last night before I went to sleep I gave him my number so I wonder what will happen there. Is it horrible, I like him, but I also hate the fact he works and isn’t in school, that must make me a tool. I ate lunch, which I threw up in one of the only single washrooms I know of on campus while people banged on the door for me to get out(the lock said it was unoccupied). That was fucking annoying. I ate dinner and then repeated at home. I was pretty good for a while, but recently I’ve been so stressed I cant really help it. But I should attempt to get back on the wagon again at some point.

Interesting thing, last night a friend of mine told me she would sleep with me if I wanted (shes all into her new found bisecuality. I mean, I always knew she was attracted to me, but actually putting girl/girl sex on the table, sorta strange. At least I wont have to worry about any of that stuff until I get home for Christmas.

And there you have it my first official blog entry.

A Blog is Born

I'm not sure what to expect yet... this was a dare