It’s surprising how many people would probably be serial killers

I’ve been seriously playing with the idea of being a vegan again. This excites and worries me. I’m excited because I already eat tones of organic food and I would get to shop at the super trendy health store great reasons eh? It’s awalys been very clear that food really effects my mood (whether it be the biology of it: blood sugar ups and downs or the psychology of it: my love hate relationship with food). Making a change like this would really be directed at making me feel better in both of these areas.

I’m worried because lets face it, this is control. With the gym one or two times a day, history with food, my thesis, and coursework, waiting to hear back from grad school, and squeezing in social time I’m spread a little thin.

All of that considered I also have to acknowledge that this is my life. I ultimately want to be vegan, and I should start living the type of life I want. If I don’t now what makes me think I will later. Cease The Day! I’ve been cigarette free since mid-december so maybe I should ride the momentum as far as it will take me.

On the schedule for this week: thesis stuff due, midterm, pool night with the philosophy girls(including my thesis advisor-note to self don’t drink too much), advanced free screening of ‘be kind rewind,’ and of course my mom. She is coming into town for the first time sans my dad.
This means 4 things: many martinis, free groceries (yay! organic is not cheap), nice meals in restaurants, and maybe… just maybe... I’ll ask her to smoke pot with me… probably not.

Here’s my philosophical tid-bit. Be a moral factionalist. It allows you to really like a theory but still know it’s wrong. I really like deontology because it’s pragmatic, but I’m still willing to believe morality is false.

vocabulary

I can’t believe how long its been since I last posted. I’ve been so ridiculously busy.
I just arrived home from a rockin’ mid-winter summer party, complete with mojito’s, margaritas, pina-coladas and daiquiris. Not to mention a whole lotta rock band. If you haven’t played it yet you MUST.
I saw this incredible film. It combined two of my favourite things, animation and a female narrative- oh and it was quite intelligent. This film was called Persepolis, it features a story involving the Iranian revolution and the Iran Iraq war. The thing I was most impressed with was the animation. I had read the graphic novel several years ago and they adapted it to film so seamlessly, it really maintained the graphic novel quality.
Aside from that I’ve been doing school work. If anyone is familiar with Kant’s critique of practical reason, especially the part about burning cats, please send me a page number because that thing is huge and my thesis needs to get moving.
Oh also, this guy at the party tonight well he’s a friend and has this pretty serious girlfriend whom I accidentally bad mouthed to him when they first started going out so I’ve since felt a little awkward around him cuz I feel kinda embarrassed. Anyways he sits down behind me and is all huggy and is just like, remember how you were all over me the first time we met? And I said “I remember that night and you were not the guy a the party I was after”… and he wasn’t. And then he said a couple more things I allegedly said. Bottom line, I never was remotely interested, but I am kind of disturbed now, because now I feel like the last year of our friendship he thought I was secretly pinning after him, an dhe probably thinks that’s why I trashed his girlfriend.
The guy I have a crush on: I don’t think he likes me…however his roommate may.
I'm so very single right now.

beginnings

I have an image of the person I want to be.
I am going to be that person.
I don't want to complain anymore.
I will start to care about myself more.
I need to stop being scared- because that is not how I want to feel.
I'll be happy.

Now, I'm going to lay down.
Listen to Sigur Ros and read Chuck Closterman 3.
Then I'll go to sleep.

Goodnight.

Unsettled

Anxiety is kicking in. The worst part is I don’t now why. The feeling of general anxiety is washing over me every two to six minutes which a causes me to, inexplicably, tense up. Perhaps it’s the amount of school work I have, I also feel that I somehow did something embarrassing last night even though I know full well I did not. Well maybe I told a couple a people I wanted to ask someone out…but there’s not reason to be embarrassed about that.

I had a conversation with a friend. He disclosed how he worried about going mad and question how one would know if they were beginning to go crazy. I have pondered this before, several times and I have come to the conclusion that it would be so difficult to tell. This would be because your experience would remain being your experience, the things that are real and cogent happening now, would also be just as real and cogent if you only thought they were happening, if in actuality they weren’t.

I have to go do some readings about duty, duty to one’s self and duty to others and hopefully rectify this with the impermissibility of sex selection!

and yes I ate dinner.

I know its been a few days since I last posted, but I have been incredibly busy. This is compounded by the winter weather which is causing me to feel quite unsatisfied. Hindsight tells me that, that would probably be the best time to write, oh well. I have been bothered by the cold, and my work, food, my society and the gym. It’s a general feeling of uneasiness, I cannot help but be wary of the future as I really do not know what I’m going to be doing. Then I think that I am wasting time dwelling on what I have no control over when I should be concentrating at the tasks I have to complete now.

In other news: Twice today I caught myself speaking about friend’s of mine relationships. I’m one of those really non-drama girls so this was quite odd to think of myself as participating in gossiping of this nature. But the first case involved my one friend. Joe just got out of a relationship in January, and all the sudden hes hanging out with this other girl. It would be ok if this girl were cool, or interesting. However, she’s not, she just sits there and barely speaks and is unkempt, like really messy hair trying to be elegantly disheveled quite unsuccessfully and she also sort of looks like a guy. What’s even worse is she’s always around, and it almost appears like she is too scared to contradict anything my friend says (because he can be very opinionated) or maybe she’s just too dumb to disagree, but the result is I’m regaled with Joe’s stories more then once, because it seems as if he doesn’t even put any effort into keeping track of what he has told me or hasn’t told me because his new constant companion puts up with it.

While the other situation is more complicated. Mary is staying in a relationship, and I use that term loosely. It seems like maybe they have fun together, but they hardly ever hang out and from her point of view the two major things i) emotional closeness ii) physical closeness isn’t present at all. But she’s staying in the relationship because they have a lot of mutual friends. Now these friends are mutual, she had them before they dated. But several people kindly told her not to go out with him before they started dating as he was seen as hmm ‘sweeter’ or ‘more innocent’ just not his type. But now that their relationship is not so great, it seems like she should just break up but she’s frightened that several of her friend will no longer talk to her. But if she lets the relationship fizzle she’ll be fin.

I do not think it is a good idea. I can understand snubbing an ex of a friend who I was not friend with to begin with. But to snub a friend because she happens to be another friends ex… just seems immature.

On Monday, however, something happened that made me quite happy. I've been im-ing a cousin of mine, i think she's 16. I've always liked her, but in the past when i tried to get to know her it seemed like a one sided effort. But recently we've been chatting alot, mainly about regular teenage angsty things. In our last conversation she said "iknow this may sound weird but i realy like talking to you" and I replied with "its not weird, i'm really happy I've gotten to know you better as well."
And I am, i really am.

Over Thinking

For several nights stupid first years have been coming by my apartment window, be loud and obnoxious and smoke pot. While usually the process of smoking a joint doesn’t take longer then hmmm 7 minutes especially with 4+ people. That confounded with the freezing temperatures and rain one would think they would hurry up especially since the time rang in which they would do this was between 2:30-4:00 am.
Now I wanted to say something, but I wasn’t sure if I should right off the bat say “shut the fuck up or I’m calling the cops” or toss a bucket of water out the window. Now the reason I didn’t do any of these things is because I don’t really enjoy confrontation, belong only on a second floor I had to consider that one would be able to throw a brick through my window.
So basically I did nothing and just stayed up till they took their shenanigans away my window so I’d be able fall asleep again.
Until last night when I decided to not be angry and actually do tell them to go.
I opened up my window and said “hey guys do you think you could go somewhere else?” and I hear back “yeah sure sorry” and I said “thank-you” and then they walk away each saying “sorry,” “sorry,” “sorry,” as they walked by my window.
The moral of the story: I really need to stop over thinking things. Not over thinking things will lead to better sleep- in a variety of cases.
But I still hope they never come back.