Done & Done

School officially finished for me on Wednesday, and I have been having such a great time ever since. Redhead and I hung out, we are good, I think I over reacted a bit. I don’t think an actual relationship would be good with him now, but we’re having fun and I’ll re-evaluate after Christmas. A friend of mine came into town and we had an awesome night out. Spent too much money at a martini bar. Some guy there was yelling about how he was the king of sudan, and I met this girl in the washroom and she said he was flirting with her and she blew him off and then he told her that she should be a prostitute because men will like her better. Then he got in this screaming match with some of these white guys and he ended up getting kicked out of the bar. Then we went to a club which was uninteresting, so many people everywhere. That night ended at about 5:30 am.And since then I’ve just been partying with friends. Not too much to say.I’m worried about going home.Seeing my parents, my friends just everything.
I’ve also been trying to not think about how I’ll be with food when im home, its always hard. But I’m trying to be better.

Untitled and Undecided

My Weekend A Blow by Blow
preface: I’m sitting here and many things are running through my mind, should I be cool calm and collected, can I even be like that? Is it ok to be a girl and be upset, and if I am upset why is it that I actually care, only a few posts ago he was far from second best?

Friday Night: Redhead comes over for well, forget the pretense it appears to be a date, he takes 2 busses and gets lost all to come see me. Lots of alcohol and even more conversation and music. Its all good. Theres a bump in the road, he gets high and very paranoid, I’ll come close to him he backs away (one of two things I figure is happening 1) hes not interested and my not so subtle overtures are freaking him out 2) he is into me and is to shy and insecure he cant believe I’m ACTUALLY into him). Im hoping for the second one. He gets better after he comes down, and I kiss him now he knows I like him and hes not crazy, he stays over and the night is awesome. I’m really happy, cuz it just what I wanted to happen and how often do things work out.

Saturday Night: I go to this dinner party thing at my friends place. Get really drunk, wanna see if redhead is home from work on msn, and maybe if hell come over Sunday night. I talk to him, he says ‘need to tell you something your gonna think im an asshole’ he also says ‘not over msn’ so hell call me later. I get more drunk, he never calls, im sad so I decide this boy there is cute and we have a sleepover in a empty room. Boy was very cuddly, I have his number perhaps I’ll call him he doesn’t have mine its up to me I guess- I hate that.

Sunday: Readhead says he lost my number, and tried a bunch of wrong numbers, which I guess is like him. He tells me im not the only girl in his life. He says theres a girl hes been friends with for years and that hes seeing her as well kinda (the impression I got was they made out a few times). That he felt guilty for not telling me, and that hes gonna tell her about me too. This hurt. Why? cuz for the first time in my life things seemed kinda simple and right and he went and ruined the idea. I feel like I can’t compete with an old friend, how can I do that? I’ve only known him a month, they have history and a really close friendship. I guess the truth hurts, but its better that I know.So what do I do… still date him causally, wait till he decides, until he decides he doesn’t want me and wants to be with her?In the mean time, the guy whos room I slept in was out of town but a roommate of his must have told him I had sex in his bed, which I didn’t even, and he’s all: Mel I can’t believe you did that I didn’t think you were that type of person. So then I had to apologize to him.

I hate how my weekend went from awesome to not. I hardly got any work done at all. All of this has made me feel really ugly, when I found the stuff out about Redhead all I could think was ‘thank god I haven’t eaten today’ cuz then things world be worse. Why can’t he just be interested in me. Now I feel like maybe I should call the guy from the party so I can be seeing someone else too, but do I like him? Probably not. I’m just sad I guess, sad.

Bliss For The Moment

Just finished a 3 hour conversation with Redhead.
He was so sweet, he asked if i'd listen to him play some guitar on the phone, and in my head i thought 'if he plays a Brand New song it would be adorable' and then he played one (the quiet things that no one ever knows) and hes goes, 'so did you recognize that?' probably with a smirk on his face.
Were going out tomorrow- correction hes coming over for movie, drinks, pot. Is that bad, is having a guy to my place a good idea? There are extenuating monetary situations that need to be considered though.
Speaking of money I spent a shit load on an awesome dinner with friends tongiht. But I got too full, couldn't stand it and puked in the washroom, no one was the wiser-im too good for my own good, i know...
School is wrapping up- wrote a shitty shitty essay on things I dont understand at all so considering that fact and it being over 8 pages I belive its a moderate accomplishment.
ok.
I'm excited for tomorrow & I'll be crushed if he just wants to be friends, maybe i'll pounce him...nah im not bold enough for that.

Suggestions? Anyone?

I Think I'm a Little Hungry

So I wrote this paper and I thought it was amazing, like I spent the most time on it of any paper I wrote all year, had tones of secondary sources, got it edited by a bunch of people and they all thought it was good. Then I finally go tit back to day and I got the lowest mark as of that date that I had ever gotten on a paper in my major before. I was working when I got it and I was crushed, I almost started to cry. My prof just tore it up every little thing.

Then later on I went to pick up another essay which I didn’t work nearly as hard on and I wrote it quickly just cuz I wanted it done. And that was even worse, the worst mark I got on anything ever. Now its gonna be so difficult to get even an A- in either of those classes.

Today sucked…I cried. I suck.

Plus, from last night to this evening the heat in my apartment was out AHHH, it was freezing!

Relationship update:
Not that it’s an actual relationship or anything, but me and the redhead were on the phone last night until 3:30am, I really think I’m beginning to like him. What to do?

After the Chinese food incident I’ve barely been eating. Just a few things today.

I’m just really confused. Oh well there’s always next year.

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

I watched cartoons tonight.

I purchased 20$ of Chinese food tonight, on the way to pick it up im almost 100% sure I saw Mr. Awkward making out with some girl on the street, I ate all of it, then threw it all up.

I’m worried about finals, 3 essays in 5 days and 2 exams, can I pull it off? I actually have more than 5 days, but IF I could get everything done by Friday It would be awesome. But do I really wanna work like a crazy person? Uhh I totally forgot about my job, I need to squeeze that in somewhere too… CRAP

My stomach hurt for a lot of today...

I talked to redhead yesterday for a bit on the phone, we have really great conversations. I mean, I haven’t talked to anyone on the phone for hours on end since high school.
There’s just no talk of meeting, or hardly ever… It’s odd.

I’m dreading going home. For no big reason in particular… just bunch of little ones.

I get back some work tomorrow im really excited to know the mark on. If it’s bad once again I’ll be disappointed at my underachieving or just my mediocre disposition. It’s just that I worked very hard.

Apologies

I'm sorry for being mean... I didnt mean it, i was just sad and angry.

Im All Sexy and Vulnerable

Its like hmmmm every action I do I’m scared of. Always frightened I’ll say or do the wrong thin and as much as I tell myself I don’t care I do, I do care, I care so much. I didn’t throw up today YAY. Although I wanted to more then ever, it’s the first of the month if you had any sort of eating disorder you would know what that meant.

ANYWHOO- I’m drinking alone because no one loves me.

Mr. Awkward, I hate him now- I think maybe I just hate boys, they make me feel like I don’t deserve anything, ever.

IT makes me sad that I feel like the only person that really cares about me from home or even understand me is my insane bisexual friend who also wants in my pants. And im just sacred I may do it to feel better about myself. How fucked is that? Very I know, please don’t remind me.

I wish redhead wanted me- we were just chatting on msn, but he was helping his friend with guitar and I sent him like 8messages and then he went on ‘away’ and didn’t respond then went ‘offline’. This is what I do, I make people not like me. Its like my MO or something.

God I today I was thinking about how I was so happy I wasn’t in high school. Why you ask? Because all i could visualize for a straight hour was stabbing this kid with scissors, in his stomach who tormented me in 9th grade art class, I was looking at blood and everything in my head while sitting quietly in the library. (((See Rich I told you having a blog would show you I was crazy)))

I’m going to an aids benefit tonight, its at a bar owned by bubbles from trailer park boys.

I read something interesting. Maybe I’ll tell you about it another time.

I’m so jealous of my roommate-I hate myself for it because I love her so much- but she doesn’t know me.

BRAND NEW is the best band in the world, they are comforting. Except they make me think of the asshole at home whom in love with.

Scratch that, my roommate (the one whom I totally jealous of)- she changed our plans, and now I have no hope of meeting anyone, I’m just gonna have to listen to boys arguing about history or politics or some bullshit and it will make me want to cut myself.

Note to self: no more drunken blog entries- but ,hey are much more fun

MAybe it would be better if i told people things that I felt. Maybe it would be worse though.