How far can i travel?

I feel like I’m trying really hard to be the person I want to be.
And it just doesn’t work out because I cannot get my shit together no matter how hard I try.

Things with school and my social life can be going so well, and I’ll just find ways to TEAR THEM APART so I devalue everything to the point which makes me feel like a failure.

The scariest part of all of this is how similar these thought patterns are to those I had when I was umm 14… I mean obviously I was a hormonal emotional basket case, and I’m quite a lot better now. But at the end of the day I can find so many reasons why I’m not happy. But it also seems that if you look for things you will find them. I just wish I could stop looking.

My thoughts keep running back to getting away, But I did, I got away a 30 hour car ride from home and its still not far enough- now my sights are set on the ocean. But it worries me, what if that doesn’t make me happy, what if its me I’m trying to get away from- I’m gonna have to live with myself for the rest of my life, what if I can’t deal.

But I’m feeling better now. Its so nice that my feelings change moment to moment. Smile.

I am so...

Bored, and tired and frustrated and angry. I just wanna run away.
Things will never be easy again.

Undesirable

PART 1
Can you tell me if this is a girl thing?
I sit, and I hate myself for so many different things. When I was younger it used to hurt. But im so numb now, the thoughts are common like thinking I need to brush my teeth or put on pants. They are there all the time and make me anxious only on occasion. Like how I feel when my cell phone rings in class.
I’ve told myself so many lies, I don’t even know whats true anymore.
I want to say I don’t know where this depressing post is coming from… but I do- I ate 1000 calories today. And I cant stop thinking about it- its not that its too little or excessive or anything like that. But for today, its just too much and making me feel bad.

PART 2
"Hey ‘david’ (is that what we are calling him?),
This week feels like its taking forever.
I’m thinking of going to the market on Saturday morning, would you like to come?
Hoping that waking up early on the weekend will make me feel productive.
Lemme know either way.
Mel "

I sent this e-mail (yes only the stuff in quotes), if you think its lame or whatever I don’t wanna hear it cuz I already feel like shit and couldn’t take it. But at least I asked right. I tried. And when I fail, at least I’ll be able to say that.

I should be working...

Alas I am not, I skipped one of my classes today to sleep.
Which was great, I have so much stuff to do and plan I feel like I don’t have time for my boring classes. However, with everything look what im doing, blogging…

Anyways, I didn’t confess anything to T&HG, but I asked him out for coffee and he said yes. And we ended up talking for 2 hours also great.

I had this, I don’t wanna say huge blow up, but I told this friend of mine who I haven’t spoken to for 7 months why I hadn’t talked to him and basically ‘put all the cards on the table’ and I think were a bit better now. I mean at least we’re talking and he knows what I am feeling.

Food stuff is ok 1 month anniversary today puke free. Its not my longest, but I’m feeling good about it (it actually may be my longest with no minor slip-ups). I need to be more active like im walking and doing pilates, swimming and yoga, but its not on a constant schedule and unorganization KILLS ME. Cuz im a freak.

Happy thing: This guy from scottland who I had a minor fling with over the summer, but found ridiculously charming (kinda) in a weird way, maybe it was that he sounded exactly like groundskeeper willy. Anyways, after months of not talking he appeared on MSN and we talked for so long, and he invited me to come to scottland whenver I want. I’m totally gonna take him up on that at some point.