This past week has been so nice, lots of alone time and good food. Unfortunately, doing school work was seriously lacking. I just couldn’t get it up for working. Seeing my mom was good also, I think I was a bit insensitive to her sometimes, I didn’t mean to be though. But I’m kinda OCD about my apartment and she would leave her shoes on in the den and I’d condescendingly say ‘do you think you could take your shoes off…’ but who does that?
I did a lot of knitting, quite grandma-esque eh? But now I have an awesome scarf and almost a whole hat.
Another thing, I got my first letter back from a gradschool. I was so nervous to open it I made myself take all the garbage in my apartment out before I read it. The entire time I was thinking, it’s a big envelope but its also so thin. I finally opened it and Tada! I got accepted. Which mean’s I’m going somewhere that isn’t my last choice, actually its really up there, it’s a joint program in two universities in Scotland St. Andrews and Stilrling, both excellent institutions and the program is ranked in the top three in the UK only behind Oxford and Cambridge.
Well I should get back to watching Old School (for the first time !!!)
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
It’s surprising how many people would probably be serial killers
I’ve been seriously playing with the idea of being a vegan again. This excites and worries me. I’m excited because I already eat tones of organic food and I would get to shop at the super trendy health store great reasons eh? It’s awalys been very clear that food really effects my mood (whether it be the biology of it: blood sugar ups and downs or the psychology of it: my love hate relationship with food). Making a change like this would really be directed at making me feel better in both of these areas.
I’m worried because lets face it, this is control. With the gym one or two times a day, history with food, my thesis, and coursework, waiting to hear back from grad school, and squeezing in social time I’m spread a little thin.
All of that considered I also have to acknowledge that this is my life. I ultimately want to be vegan, and I should start living the type of life I want. If I don’t now what makes me think I will later. Cease The Day! I’ve been cigarette free since mid-december so maybe I should ride the momentum as far as it will take me.
On the schedule for this week: thesis stuff due, midterm, pool night with the philosophy girls(including my thesis advisor-note to self don’t drink too much), advanced free screening of ‘be kind rewind,’ and of course my mom. She is coming into town for the first time sans my dad.
This means 4 things: many martinis, free groceries (yay! organic is not cheap), nice meals in restaurants, and maybe… just maybe... I’ll ask her to smoke pot with me… probably not.
Here’s my philosophical tid-bit. Be a moral factionalist. It allows you to really like a theory but still know it’s wrong. I really like deontology because it’s pragmatic, but I’m still willing to believe morality is false.
I’m worried because lets face it, this is control. With the gym one or two times a day, history with food, my thesis, and coursework, waiting to hear back from grad school, and squeezing in social time I’m spread a little thin.
All of that considered I also have to acknowledge that this is my life. I ultimately want to be vegan, and I should start living the type of life I want. If I don’t now what makes me think I will later. Cease The Day! I’ve been cigarette free since mid-december so maybe I should ride the momentum as far as it will take me.
On the schedule for this week: thesis stuff due, midterm, pool night with the philosophy girls(including my thesis advisor-note to self don’t drink too much), advanced free screening of ‘be kind rewind,’ and of course my mom. She is coming into town for the first time sans my dad.
This means 4 things: many martinis, free groceries (yay! organic is not cheap), nice meals in restaurants, and maybe… just maybe... I’ll ask her to smoke pot with me… probably not.
Here’s my philosophical tid-bit. Be a moral factionalist. It allows you to really like a theory but still know it’s wrong. I really like deontology because it’s pragmatic, but I’m still willing to believe morality is false.
vocabulary
I can’t believe how long its been since I last posted. I’ve been so ridiculously busy.
I just arrived home from a rockin’ mid-winter summer party, complete with mojito’s, margaritas, pina-coladas and daiquiris. Not to mention a whole lotta rock band. If you haven’t played it yet you MUST.
I saw this incredible film. It combined two of my favourite things, animation and a female narrative- oh and it was quite intelligent. This film was called Persepolis, it features a story involving the Iranian revolution and the Iran Iraq war. The thing I was most impressed with was the animation. I had read the graphic novel several years ago and they adapted it to film so seamlessly, it really maintained the graphic novel quality.
Aside from that I’ve been doing school work. If anyone is familiar with Kant’s critique of practical reason, especially the part about burning cats, please send me a page number because that thing is huge and my thesis needs to get moving.
Oh also, this guy at the party tonight well he’s a friend and has this pretty serious girlfriend whom I accidentally bad mouthed to him when they first started going out so I’ve since felt a little awkward around him cuz I feel kinda embarrassed. Anyways he sits down behind me and is all huggy and is just like, remember how you were all over me the first time we met? And I said “I remember that night and you were not the guy a the party I was after”… and he wasn’t. And then he said a couple more things I allegedly said. Bottom line, I never was remotely interested, but I am kind of disturbed now, because now I feel like the last year of our friendship he thought I was secretly pinning after him, an dhe probably thinks that’s why I trashed his girlfriend.
The guy I have a crush on: I don’t think he likes me…however his roommate may.
I'm so very single right now.
I just arrived home from a rockin’ mid-winter summer party, complete with mojito’s, margaritas, pina-coladas and daiquiris. Not to mention a whole lotta rock band. If you haven’t played it yet you MUST.
I saw this incredible film. It combined two of my favourite things, animation and a female narrative- oh and it was quite intelligent. This film was called Persepolis, it features a story involving the Iranian revolution and the Iran Iraq war. The thing I was most impressed with was the animation. I had read the graphic novel several years ago and they adapted it to film so seamlessly, it really maintained the graphic novel quality.
Aside from that I’ve been doing school work. If anyone is familiar with Kant’s critique of practical reason, especially the part about burning cats, please send me a page number because that thing is huge and my thesis needs to get moving.
Oh also, this guy at the party tonight well he’s a friend and has this pretty serious girlfriend whom I accidentally bad mouthed to him when they first started going out so I’ve since felt a little awkward around him cuz I feel kinda embarrassed. Anyways he sits down behind me and is all huggy and is just like, remember how you were all over me the first time we met? And I said “I remember that night and you were not the guy a the party I was after”… and he wasn’t. And then he said a couple more things I allegedly said. Bottom line, I never was remotely interested, but I am kind of disturbed now, because now I feel like the last year of our friendship he thought I was secretly pinning after him, an dhe probably thinks that’s why I trashed his girlfriend.
The guy I have a crush on: I don’t think he likes me…however his roommate may.
I'm so very single right now.
Monday, February 11, 2008
beginnings
I have an image of the person I want to be.
I am going to be that person.
I don't want to complain anymore.
I will start to care about myself more.
I need to stop being scared- because that is not how I want to feel.
I'll be happy.
Now, I'm going to lay down.
Listen to Sigur Ros and read Chuck Closterman 3.
Then I'll go to sleep.
Goodnight.
I am going to be that person.
I don't want to complain anymore.
I will start to care about myself more.
I need to stop being scared- because that is not how I want to feel.
I'll be happy.
Now, I'm going to lay down.
Listen to Sigur Ros and read Chuck Closterman 3.
Then I'll go to sleep.
Goodnight.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Unsettled
Anxiety is kicking in. The worst part is I don’t now why. The feeling of general anxiety is washing over me every two to six minutes which a causes me to, inexplicably, tense up. Perhaps it’s the amount of school work I have, I also feel that I somehow did something embarrassing last night even though I know full well I did not. Well maybe I told a couple a people I wanted to ask someone out…but there’s not reason to be embarrassed about that.
I had a conversation with a friend. He disclosed how he worried about going mad and question how one would know if they were beginning to go crazy. I have pondered this before, several times and I have come to the conclusion that it would be so difficult to tell. This would be because your experience would remain being your experience, the things that are real and cogent happening now, would also be just as real and cogent if you only thought they were happening, if in actuality they weren’t.
I have to go do some readings about duty, duty to one’s self and duty to others and hopefully rectify this with the impermissibility of sex selection!
I had a conversation with a friend. He disclosed how he worried about going mad and question how one would know if they were beginning to go crazy. I have pondered this before, several times and I have come to the conclusion that it would be so difficult to tell. This would be because your experience would remain being your experience, the things that are real and cogent happening now, would also be just as real and cogent if you only thought they were happening, if in actuality they weren’t.
I have to go do some readings about duty, duty to one’s self and duty to others and hopefully rectify this with the impermissibility of sex selection!
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
and yes I ate dinner.
I know its been a few days since I last posted, but I have been incredibly busy. This is compounded by the winter weather which is causing me to feel quite unsatisfied. Hindsight tells me that, that would probably be the best time to write, oh well. I have been bothered by the cold, and my work, food, my society and the gym. It’s a general feeling of uneasiness, I cannot help but be wary of the future as I really do not know what I’m going to be doing. Then I think that I am wasting time dwelling on what I have no control over when I should be concentrating at the tasks I have to complete now.
In other news: Twice today I caught myself speaking about friend’s of mine relationships. I’m one of those really non-drama girls so this was quite odd to think of myself as participating in gossiping of this nature. But the first case involved my one friend. Joe just got out of a relationship in January, and all the sudden hes hanging out with this other girl. It would be ok if this girl were cool, or interesting. However, she’s not, she just sits there and barely speaks and is unkempt, like really messy hair trying to be elegantly disheveled quite unsuccessfully and she also sort of looks like a guy. What’s even worse is she’s always around, and it almost appears like she is too scared to contradict anything my friend says (because he can be very opinionated) or maybe she’s just too dumb to disagree, but the result is I’m regaled with Joe’s stories more then once, because it seems as if he doesn’t even put any effort into keeping track of what he has told me or hasn’t told me because his new constant companion puts up with it.
While the other situation is more complicated. Mary is staying in a relationship, and I use that term loosely. It seems like maybe they have fun together, but they hardly ever hang out and from her point of view the two major things i) emotional closeness ii) physical closeness isn’t present at all. But she’s staying in the relationship because they have a lot of mutual friends. Now these friends are mutual, she had them before they dated. But several people kindly told her not to go out with him before they started dating as he was seen as hmm ‘sweeter’ or ‘more innocent’ just not his type. But now that their relationship is not so great, it seems like she should just break up but she’s frightened that several of her friend will no longer talk to her. But if she lets the relationship fizzle she’ll be fin.
I do not think it is a good idea. I can understand snubbing an ex of a friend who I was not friend with to begin with. But to snub a friend because she happens to be another friends ex… just seems immature.
On Monday, however, something happened that made me quite happy. I've been im-ing a cousin of mine, i think she's 16. I've always liked her, but in the past when i tried to get to know her it seemed like a one sided effort. But recently we've been chatting alot, mainly about regular teenage angsty things. In our last conversation she said "iknow this may sound weird but i realy like talking to you" and I replied with "its not weird, i'm really happy I've gotten to know you better as well."
And I am, i really am.
In other news: Twice today I caught myself speaking about friend’s of mine relationships. I’m one of those really non-drama girls so this was quite odd to think of myself as participating in gossiping of this nature. But the first case involved my one friend. Joe just got out of a relationship in January, and all the sudden hes hanging out with this other girl. It would be ok if this girl were cool, or interesting. However, she’s not, she just sits there and barely speaks and is unkempt, like really messy hair trying to be elegantly disheveled quite unsuccessfully and she also sort of looks like a guy. What’s even worse is she’s always around, and it almost appears like she is too scared to contradict anything my friend says (because he can be very opinionated) or maybe she’s just too dumb to disagree, but the result is I’m regaled with Joe’s stories more then once, because it seems as if he doesn’t even put any effort into keeping track of what he has told me or hasn’t told me because his new constant companion puts up with it.
While the other situation is more complicated. Mary is staying in a relationship, and I use that term loosely. It seems like maybe they have fun together, but they hardly ever hang out and from her point of view the two major things i) emotional closeness ii) physical closeness isn’t present at all. But she’s staying in the relationship because they have a lot of mutual friends. Now these friends are mutual, she had them before they dated. But several people kindly told her not to go out with him before they started dating as he was seen as hmm ‘sweeter’ or ‘more innocent’ just not his type. But now that their relationship is not so great, it seems like she should just break up but she’s frightened that several of her friend will no longer talk to her. But if she lets the relationship fizzle she’ll be fin.
I do not think it is a good idea. I can understand snubbing an ex of a friend who I was not friend with to begin with. But to snub a friend because she happens to be another friends ex… just seems immature.
On Monday, however, something happened that made me quite happy. I've been im-ing a cousin of mine, i think she's 16. I've always liked her, but in the past when i tried to get to know her it seemed like a one sided effort. But recently we've been chatting alot, mainly about regular teenage angsty things. In our last conversation she said "iknow this may sound weird but i realy like talking to you" and I replied with "its not weird, i'm really happy I've gotten to know you better as well."
And I am, i really am.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Over Thinking
For several nights stupid first years have been coming by my apartment window, be loud and obnoxious and smoke pot. While usually the process of smoking a joint doesn’t take longer then hmmm 7 minutes especially with 4+ people. That confounded with the freezing temperatures and rain one would think they would hurry up especially since the time rang in which they would do this was between 2:30-4:00 am.
Now I wanted to say something, but I wasn’t sure if I should right off the bat say “shut the fuck up or I’m calling the cops” or toss a bucket of water out the window. Now the reason I didn’t do any of these things is because I don’t really enjoy confrontation, belong only on a second floor I had to consider that one would be able to throw a brick through my window.
So basically I did nothing and just stayed up till they took their shenanigans away my window so I’d be able fall asleep again.
Until last night when I decided to not be angry and actually do tell them to go.
I opened up my window and said “hey guys do you think you could go somewhere else?” and I hear back “yeah sure sorry” and I said “thank-you” and then they walk away each saying “sorry,” “sorry,” “sorry,” as they walked by my window.
The moral of the story: I really need to stop over thinking things. Not over thinking things will lead to better sleep- in a variety of cases.
But I still hope they never come back.
Now I wanted to say something, but I wasn’t sure if I should right off the bat say “shut the fuck up or I’m calling the cops” or toss a bucket of water out the window. Now the reason I didn’t do any of these things is because I don’t really enjoy confrontation, belong only on a second floor I had to consider that one would be able to throw a brick through my window.
So basically I did nothing and just stayed up till they took their shenanigans away my window so I’d be able fall asleep again.
Until last night when I decided to not be angry and actually do tell them to go.
I opened up my window and said “hey guys do you think you could go somewhere else?” and I hear back “yeah sure sorry” and I said “thank-you” and then they walk away each saying “sorry,” “sorry,” “sorry,” as they walked by my window.
The moral of the story: I really need to stop over thinking things. Not over thinking things will lead to better sleep- in a variety of cases.
But I still hope they never come back.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
uhh pizza
I feel a little odd.
I just called my friend and she said she couldn’t talk because she was out for dinner with her friends. It’s our mutual friends birthday today so I’m assuming that the birthday girl is having her over for dinner. So, just a teeny part wish I was there, but the birthday girl even sent me an e-mail message today saying she couldn’t wait till we all went out for dinner when she was back for her trip. I guess I’m just being weird. But I’m actually a bit impressed with myself because I’m not that worried about it, that is to say at another point in my life I would have obsessed over not being invited tonight and wonder what I had done wrong to not have me invited… But all that said, I don’t even know if my friend is even there it’s all rediculous speculation.
Right now I’m watching Wife swap… its incredibly weird!
This episode is lumberjack swap with burlesque performer.
I’m really excited for the next few days. Because I have four glorious days off. It will consist of laundry and cleaning and reading and hopefully some writing. I’m just excited to not have to be anywhere really.
Hmm, also I’m eating pizza right now too, and kinda wanna die because pizza is evil.
Yesterday I got a facebook message from an ex of mine, and when I checked it and went to answer I couldn’t post on his wall so it was like he deleted me as a friend- which bothered me. But then it turned out that I was actually signed into the wrong account and I felt silly cuz I wrote him this message… uhh I dunno.
That is all.
I just called my friend and she said she couldn’t talk because she was out for dinner with her friends. It’s our mutual friends birthday today so I’m assuming that the birthday girl is having her over for dinner. So, just a teeny part wish I was there, but the birthday girl even sent me an e-mail message today saying she couldn’t wait till we all went out for dinner when she was back for her trip. I guess I’m just being weird. But I’m actually a bit impressed with myself because I’m not that worried about it, that is to say at another point in my life I would have obsessed over not being invited tonight and wonder what I had done wrong to not have me invited… But all that said, I don’t even know if my friend is even there it’s all rediculous speculation.
Right now I’m watching Wife swap… its incredibly weird!
This episode is lumberjack swap with burlesque performer.
I’m really excited for the next few days. Because I have four glorious days off. It will consist of laundry and cleaning and reading and hopefully some writing. I’m just excited to not have to be anywhere really.
Hmm, also I’m eating pizza right now too, and kinda wanna die because pizza is evil.
Yesterday I got a facebook message from an ex of mine, and when I checked it and went to answer I couldn’t post on his wall so it was like he deleted me as a friend- which bothered me. But then it turned out that I was actually signed into the wrong account and I felt silly cuz I wrote him this message… uhh I dunno.
That is all.
my day got good at 9pm
Today was incredibly stressful. Glad its over. I left a presentation till last minute. Well, I did the research and then put it all together with powerpoint in about 5 hours before I had to present. I think it went ok. I went over time, and my layout was a bit different then other people- but I think my content was really informative.
I found out my euro-trip is happening. I’m so excited! I leave june 1st and am gone till about august 13- I cannot wait. I’m going to Prague, PRAGUE! I’m glowing right now I wish I could type that.
I’m really excited for this weekend also. Why? You ask, because I have a 4 day weekend. I hope I can spend a majority of it in bed. Although my friend is coming into town but to write the LSAT so she’ll be busy. And I really want to go to a paint-your-own-clay place, cuz I’ve been craving making a tea pot… odd craving eh, but I’ve been thinking about it and have concluded I will do anything and everything except write my thesis and it was probably influenced by mosaic making Rich.
Suggestion: Watch ‘Extras’ Its hilarious!!!
I found out my euro-trip is happening. I’m so excited! I leave june 1st and am gone till about august 13- I cannot wait. I’m going to Prague, PRAGUE! I’m glowing right now I wish I could type that.
I’m really excited for this weekend also. Why? You ask, because I have a 4 day weekend. I hope I can spend a majority of it in bed. Although my friend is coming into town but to write the LSAT so she’ll be busy. And I really want to go to a paint-your-own-clay place, cuz I’ve been craving making a tea pot… odd craving eh, but I’ve been thinking about it and have concluded I will do anything and everything except write my thesis and it was probably influenced by mosaic making Rich.
Suggestion: Watch ‘Extras’ Its hilarious!!!
Monday, January 28, 2008
uh... ohhhhhh
I did a lot of work today, Now I just need to throw it all together into a semi-coherent powerpoint presentation. The only not so great part is I just arrived home from becoming mildly intoxicated. I hate leaving the bar and my friends to come home and be alone.
However, I got to spend some time with one, Gregory, who may become m next crush. Boys are something I haven’t really thought about most of the year as I wasn’t really finding myself interested in anyone; and the weeks and months kept passing and now there’s only 3 months left so it all seems kinda pointless. Never-the-less- I may develop a crush on him and if I do I wouldn’t be surprised.
Tonight he suddenly, out of nowhere, reminded me of David (see drama from last year) they don’t look alike, but he’s smart and he had a similar little day planner and honest to god my heart sank a bit when I saw him take it out of his bag. I found out he’s my age- I thought he was two years younger which kinda freaked me out a bit because it placed the chances of me asking him out even more remotely then they had already been. This is because I have a slight position of authority in relation to him and it would have just made me feel icky…
God I hate feeling like this. I wish I had the ability to read other peoples minds. That would be incredibly useful- then I could give up on constantly worrying what other people thought of me- because then, I would know.
My dad just sent me a message on MSN which i missed saying i should call him tomorrow to talk about my europe trip. I'm scared.
However, I got to spend some time with one, Gregory, who may become m next crush. Boys are something I haven’t really thought about most of the year as I wasn’t really finding myself interested in anyone; and the weeks and months kept passing and now there’s only 3 months left so it all seems kinda pointless. Never-the-less- I may develop a crush on him and if I do I wouldn’t be surprised.
Tonight he suddenly, out of nowhere, reminded me of David (see drama from last year) they don’t look alike, but he’s smart and he had a similar little day planner and honest to god my heart sank a bit when I saw him take it out of his bag. I found out he’s my age- I thought he was two years younger which kinda freaked me out a bit because it placed the chances of me asking him out even more remotely then they had already been. This is because I have a slight position of authority in relation to him and it would have just made me feel icky…
God I hate feeling like this. I wish I had the ability to read other peoples minds. That would be incredibly useful- then I could give up on constantly worrying what other people thought of me- because then, I would know.
My dad just sent me a message on MSN which i missed saying i should call him tomorrow to talk about my europe trip. I'm scared.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Always running, running to nowhere
1st post of the new year- I hesitated because nothing seems especially new.
School is fine but busy as usual, and that’s about it.
Broken some resolutions already- but i've shifted a few things around on my blog layout and I like it.
I’m a year older with some kick ass birthday party pics to prove it- yet I still remain hesitant to actually post them on my blog.
I’m watching movies, reading, eating, and going to the gym and seeing friends. There is however a general lack of interesting-ness that’s settled over me though and I can’t seem to shake it.
Perhaps it’s a case of the winter balhs because it gotten incredibly cold.
School is busy but I can tell I’m not working nearly hard enough- but I almost question the point, because no matter how hard I work (or don’t work) my marks in each class seem to stay relatively the same (quite good). Except my film class- this is only because my prof. is an incompetent oaf. Can you believe that! me and film not equating stellar marks. I wrote a kick ass essay on ‘waking life’ (a film I know inside out) and he gave it a B-. A B FREAKING MINUS, seeing that I get straight A’s in 3rd and 4th year philosophy courses, I find it a little hard to believe that my 2nd year film prof. thinks I can do little better than a 70% on a 4 page paper. Then he has the gaul to tell me that’s a good mark. He gave me all of these lame reasons that he concluded this was my mark, explanations that the text in my essay clearly refuted e.g. “You need to mention technological development,” yet a sentence down I talk in depth about the historical context of the film and the technological technique of rodoscoping. He makes me so angry, I only take solace in the fact that I’m pretty sure his contract with the school is up this year and he’s not coming back, to bad I won’t be there for that. Not to mention that he speaks to me in a condescending and patronizing tone- what a shmuck… I’m glad no reputable publisher wants to publish his book.
That aside- everything else is relatively calm, my bidget is kinda tight- I know too much of it is going toward food, at least I think that’s the case.
I’m very much excited for February. I love the first of the month, ideally when it starts on a Sunday or Monday but even if it doesn’t I still love it.
I’m going to see the new Paul Thomas Anderson film tonight “There Will Be Blood” with my roomie and her friend (whom I detest due to him being a duchbag- but gotta be nice) I know nothing about the plot of the movie which makes it all the better (I hope).
A comment that made me uncomfortable: I was out at a club watching/dancing to a funk band and my friend said that I always looked so nice wherever I went even if I was just sitting around or going to class. These are the sentiments I heard- “you try to hard,” “your too concerned with your appearance,” “for being chubby (terrible word) you dress as well as you can.” Now obviously these things weren’t actually said, nor were they any intended sentiments which makes me realize that in fact I’m a little insane (yay more evidence). Although these were far from the intention the comment still made me feel bad about myself… partially, but also a little good after I told the crazy to shut up.
I’m coming to terms right now with an awkward situation- one which right now I have no control over. My life. More particularly my life in the near future. You see my applications are all in to grad schools and I won’t hear anything back for at least a month, so this past month and the one to come will continue to be incredibly unnerving, because I’m sure you know I am a planner. I love my scheduler, and my life is in such flux right now it making my head hurt and my anxiety on occasion go off the charts. To make it worse, my roommate (whom I love with all my heart) has already gotten accepted to two schools one of which I applied to, and the idea of getting rejected from that school makes me sick to my stomach. But it’s a real possibility because her GPA is a good 0.4 point higher then mine. But it’s also very clear I compare myself to those around me so it cannot be avoided. Although (as if it matters) the comparison is compleatly unfair as the programs we're applying for are compleatly different with different requirements and pre-reqs, however in the end for me it will just boil down to being good enough or not.
Romance- oh yeah my life is completely devoid of it. All the people around me are coupled, not to mention my older group of friends, I kinda get the impression that they are all sleeping with eachother—there are several reasons why I’m not included in this and I’m totally cool with these reasons (which are too complicated to get into here) however there was a comment that, even though hypothetical and made while drunk, made me feel good about myself in so far as it led me to believe that if things were different the 3-some, 4-some or just one of the girls would be glad to have me. Hmm it is probably wrong to judge self worth based on whether a few thirty somethings wanna get it on with me- but hey it always nice to feel wanted. While on another front- my fiend who has spent the last few years completely sworn off guys instead opting for romances with the fairer sex has found herself in a relationship with a feller. I’m happy because she’s happy (if not somewhat surpised- but perhaps not as surprised as her) I can’t help feeling a little jealous. I’ve yet to find myself in a non-ridiculous relationship with a guy and on a whim she is able to reignite her passion for boys and fall head first into an awesome guy/relationship. Maybe jealous in an understatement, maybe I’m just feeling particularly alone.
I, as always, hope my post doesnt sound too downer-ish. I'm coming to the conclusion that unless i put tonnes of effort into my writting i always start from this base line of depressing-ness. Although there can be (and frequently is) happy spikes my over all outlook isn't as happy-go-lucky as some others. But thats just me.
School is fine but busy as usual, and that’s about it.
Broken some resolutions already- but i've shifted a few things around on my blog layout and I like it.
I’m a year older with some kick ass birthday party pics to prove it- yet I still remain hesitant to actually post them on my blog.
I’m watching movies, reading, eating, and going to the gym and seeing friends. There is however a general lack of interesting-ness that’s settled over me though and I can’t seem to shake it.
Perhaps it’s a case of the winter balhs because it gotten incredibly cold.
School is busy but I can tell I’m not working nearly hard enough- but I almost question the point, because no matter how hard I work (or don’t work) my marks in each class seem to stay relatively the same (quite good). Except my film class- this is only because my prof. is an incompetent oaf. Can you believe that! me and film not equating stellar marks. I wrote a kick ass essay on ‘waking life’ (a film I know inside out) and he gave it a B-. A B FREAKING MINUS, seeing that I get straight A’s in 3rd and 4th year philosophy courses, I find it a little hard to believe that my 2nd year film prof. thinks I can do little better than a 70% on a 4 page paper. Then he has the gaul to tell me that’s a good mark. He gave me all of these lame reasons that he concluded this was my mark, explanations that the text in my essay clearly refuted e.g. “You need to mention technological development,” yet a sentence down I talk in depth about the historical context of the film and the technological technique of rodoscoping. He makes me so angry, I only take solace in the fact that I’m pretty sure his contract with the school is up this year and he’s not coming back, to bad I won’t be there for that. Not to mention that he speaks to me in a condescending and patronizing tone- what a shmuck… I’m glad no reputable publisher wants to publish his book.
That aside- everything else is relatively calm, my bidget is kinda tight- I know too much of it is going toward food, at least I think that’s the case.
I’m very much excited for February. I love the first of the month, ideally when it starts on a Sunday or Monday but even if it doesn’t I still love it.
I’m going to see the new Paul Thomas Anderson film tonight “There Will Be Blood” with my roomie and her friend (whom I detest due to him being a duchbag- but gotta be nice) I know nothing about the plot of the movie which makes it all the better (I hope).
A comment that made me uncomfortable: I was out at a club watching/dancing to a funk band and my friend said that I always looked so nice wherever I went even if I was just sitting around or going to class. These are the sentiments I heard- “you try to hard,” “your too concerned with your appearance,” “for being chubby (terrible word) you dress as well as you can.” Now obviously these things weren’t actually said, nor were they any intended sentiments which makes me realize that in fact I’m a little insane (yay more evidence). Although these were far from the intention the comment still made me feel bad about myself… partially, but also a little good after I told the crazy to shut up.
I’m coming to terms right now with an awkward situation- one which right now I have no control over. My life. More particularly my life in the near future. You see my applications are all in to grad schools and I won’t hear anything back for at least a month, so this past month and the one to come will continue to be incredibly unnerving, because I’m sure you know I am a planner. I love my scheduler, and my life is in such flux right now it making my head hurt and my anxiety on occasion go off the charts. To make it worse, my roommate (whom I love with all my heart) has already gotten accepted to two schools one of which I applied to, and the idea of getting rejected from that school makes me sick to my stomach. But it’s a real possibility because her GPA is a good 0.4 point higher then mine. But it’s also very clear I compare myself to those around me so it cannot be avoided. Although (as if it matters) the comparison is compleatly unfair as the programs we're applying for are compleatly different with different requirements and pre-reqs, however in the end for me it will just boil down to being good enough or not.
Romance- oh yeah my life is completely devoid of it. All the people around me are coupled, not to mention my older group of friends, I kinda get the impression that they are all sleeping with eachother—there are several reasons why I’m not included in this and I’m totally cool with these reasons (which are too complicated to get into here) however there was a comment that, even though hypothetical and made while drunk, made me feel good about myself in so far as it led me to believe that if things were different the 3-some, 4-some or just one of the girls would be glad to have me. Hmm it is probably wrong to judge self worth based on whether a few thirty somethings wanna get it on with me- but hey it always nice to feel wanted. While on another front- my fiend who has spent the last few years completely sworn off guys instead opting for romances with the fairer sex has found herself in a relationship with a feller. I’m happy because she’s happy (if not somewhat surpised- but perhaps not as surprised as her) I can’t help feeling a little jealous. I’ve yet to find myself in a non-ridiculous relationship with a guy and on a whim she is able to reignite her passion for boys and fall head first into an awesome guy/relationship. Maybe jealous in an understatement, maybe I’m just feeling particularly alone.
I, as always, hope my post doesnt sound too downer-ish. I'm coming to the conclusion that unless i put tonnes of effort into my writting i always start from this base line of depressing-ness. Although there can be (and frequently is) happy spikes my over all outlook isn't as happy-go-lucky as some others. But thats just me.
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