Always running, running to nowhere

1st post of the new year- I hesitated because nothing seems especially new.
School is fine but busy as usual, and that’s about it.
Broken some resolutions already- but i've shifted a few things around on my blog layout and I like it.
I’m a year older with some kick ass birthday party pics to prove it- yet I still remain hesitant to actually post them on my blog.
I’m watching movies, reading, eating, and going to the gym and seeing friends. There is however a general lack of interesting-ness that’s settled over me though and I can’t seem to shake it.

Perhaps it’s a case of the winter balhs because it gotten incredibly cold.
School is busy but I can tell I’m not working nearly hard enough- but I almost question the point, because no matter how hard I work (or don’t work) my marks in each class seem to stay relatively the same (quite good). Except my film class- this is only because my prof. is an incompetent oaf. Can you believe that! me and film not equating stellar marks. I wrote a kick ass essay on ‘waking life’ (a film I know inside out) and he gave it a B-. A B FREAKING MINUS, seeing that I get straight A’s in 3rd and 4th year philosophy courses, I find it a little hard to believe that my 2nd year film prof. thinks I can do little better than a 70% on a 4 page paper. Then he has the gaul to tell me that’s a good mark. He gave me all of these lame reasons that he concluded this was my mark, explanations that the text in my essay clearly refuted e.g. “You need to mention technological development,” yet a sentence down I talk in depth about the historical context of the film and the technological technique of rodoscoping. He makes me so angry, I only take solace in the fact that I’m pretty sure his contract with the school is up this year and he’s not coming back, to bad I won’t be there for that. Not to mention that he speaks to me in a condescending and patronizing tone- what a shmuck… I’m glad no reputable publisher wants to publish his book.

That aside- everything else is relatively calm, my bidget is kinda tight- I know too much of it is going toward food, at least I think that’s the case.
I’m very much excited for February. I love the first of the month, ideally when it starts on a Sunday or Monday but even if it doesn’t I still love it.
I’m going to see the new Paul Thomas Anderson film tonight “There Will Be Blood” with my roomie and her friend (whom I detest due to him being a duchbag- but gotta be nice) I know nothing about the plot of the movie which makes it all the better (I hope).

A comment that made me uncomfortable: I was out at a club watching/dancing to a funk band and my friend said that I always looked so nice wherever I went even if I was just sitting around or going to class. These are the sentiments I heard- “you try to hard,” “your too concerned with your appearance,” “for being chubby (terrible word) you dress as well as you can.” Now obviously these things weren’t actually said, nor were they any intended sentiments which makes me realize that in fact I’m a little insane (yay more evidence). Although these were far from the intention the comment still made me feel bad about myself… partially, but also a little good after I told the crazy to shut up.

I’m coming to terms right now with an awkward situation- one which right now I have no control over. My life. More particularly my life in the near future. You see my applications are all in to grad schools and I won’t hear anything back for at least a month, so this past month and the one to come will continue to be incredibly unnerving, because I’m sure you know I am a planner. I love my scheduler, and my life is in such flux right now it making my head hurt and my anxiety on occasion go off the charts. To make it worse, my roommate (whom I love with all my heart) has already gotten accepted to two schools one of which I applied to, and the idea of getting rejected from that school makes me sick to my stomach. But it’s a real possibility because her GPA is a good 0.4 point higher then mine. But it’s also very clear I compare myself to those around me so it cannot be avoided. Although (as if it matters) the comparison is compleatly unfair as the programs we're applying for are compleatly different with different requirements and pre-reqs, however in the end for me it will just boil down to being good enough or not.

Romance- oh yeah my life is completely devoid of it. All the people around me are coupled, not to mention my older group of friends, I kinda get the impression that they are all sleeping with eachother—there are several reasons why I’m not included in this and I’m totally cool with these reasons (which are too complicated to get into here) however there was a comment that, even though hypothetical and made while drunk, made me feel good about myself in so far as it led me to believe that if things were different the 3-some, 4-some or just one of the girls would be glad to have me. Hmm it is probably wrong to judge self worth based on whether a few thirty somethings wanna get it on with me- but hey it always nice to feel wanted. While on another front- my fiend who has spent the last few years completely sworn off guys instead opting for romances with the fairer sex has found herself in a relationship with a feller. I’m happy because she’s happy (if not somewhat surpised- but perhaps not as surprised as her) I can’t help feeling a little jealous. I’ve yet to find myself in a non-ridiculous relationship with a guy and on a whim she is able to reignite her passion for boys and fall head first into an awesome guy/relationship. Maybe jealous in an understatement, maybe I’m just feeling particularly alone.

I, as always, hope my post doesnt sound too downer-ish. I'm coming to the conclusion that unless i put tonnes of effort into my writting i always start from this base line of depressing-ness. Although there can be (and frequently is) happy spikes my over all outlook isn't as happy-go-lucky as some others. But thats just me.